Thisis probably the last time I am writing like this, that is a silentpain in my heart, and eyes moist, most probably of because whatshappening inside me now. My grandma, inquisitive and caring as usualasking me questions one after the other of how was my day, where I went, etc. I am not interested in answering all that, and am becomingmore and more irritated as she goes from one question to other, allthat doesn't matter me much.
Todayis my third day without her, something which I never had imagined.
Thiswould have been one of the best days of my life, because I had goneto Kolkata to enjoy the best pandals in the occasion of Durga Puja,with one of my old friends, Samyadip. But see, she removed,automatically the fun gets removed even in the best day of my life.
WhileI write all this, I am having a look at my cell every few minutes,still waiting for her call or SMS, even though my cell is at theloudest mode and I will get notified of any activity. Old habits diehard.
Itall started on 29th of last month. She was not talkingmuch with me through the whole day. Afternoon, while returning fromcollege, I called her:
“Whereare you?”
“Withmy friends, enjoying in the ghat” - her voice said.
“Couldn'tcall me once”
“Iforgot”
Itwas usual nowadays of forgetting to call me and SMS me, like allduties that are forgotten. I kept down the phone and said to my innerself - “this wont last long”
Immediatelyat an instant, another voice within me said, “Come on dude, you canlet it end like this, you have to improve things with her”
Ididn't wanted to lose her at any cost.
Eveningflew, I waited to call her at midnight, our usual time for talking.After getting up from dinner, I finally got an SMS from her - “Iwant a breakup”
Icoudnt believe. More than that, I never believed her saying so. Ireplied back - “Don't be silly, you are already on a break”
Iexpected something positive. Even though I know it was vain to thinkso.
“Iam serious, I want a full breakup”
Istarted calling her, her phone was busy. I waited. She repliedfinally - “I will talk with you a bit later”.
Iknew everything is over. I switched off the lights to let me be in amost comfortable position possible at that moment. And truly saying,I cried the loudest in my life, more louder than I ever had.
Mygrandma was still awake. Hearing the noise, she said - “Whathappened?”
“Nothing”,I said in normal voice.
Shefelt asleep. Not me.
Icalled her again. It was still in waiting. The longest wait I hadever had. Just 20 minutes now seemed like a day.
Finallyshe received.
Iasked her - “What happened?”
“Nothing.And I am damn serious of what I am talking about.”
“Ucant do something like this”
“Iam doing so”
“Okay,why?”
“Idon't have any feeling for you”
“Iknow that, we will work on it...”
“Stopacting like a fool. For two months I don't have any feelings for youand you are telling it will get back in three years? It will nevercome back again”
Hervoice was firm. I said - “look you are on a break already for this.I cant give you a break up again for it”
“Okay,you want to know why I really want a break up? I love another guy”
“Whosethat?”
“Raj”
Raj– I recalculated. The guy who is a model, and fucks an aunt in hisupper flat to fulfill mutual desires. And this girl is lame andfoolish enough to fall in his love. If anything seemed funny andstupid at the same time at this moment, it was this.
“So,you can ignore him, and control your feelings..”
“Icant ignore him, is that clear? And I don't want you to tell me whichfeelings to control either”
Iagree I was a bit possessive, but I had nothing more to do now.
“Okay,listen, one day you will suffer for it”
“Iwill suffer, you don't need to worry about it”
Shedisconnected the phone.
Ihad no time to think now, moreover I didn't wanted anything to think.I just dialed the number of my good friends in college, announcingthe news to them.
Iwas not crying. My mind was blank.
Theywere more than happy to say the truth. Finally we can flirt girlstogether.
Ifell asleep, and as I had expected, I woke up early at 5 AM. And thefirst thing that came in my mind is that we are not together anymore.I checked my phone, no SMS from her.
Yes.I had broken all contacts with her last night.
Friendswere supportive, more than I had thought. Some found her act stupid,some said good that you are free to look other girls, all the thingsto ease me the most. Thank God, some people don't change.
Iwaited for her SMS the whole day. Last night she had sent me one -be happy with your life, best of luck for your future, don't cry anddo all that stuff.
Ihad sent this reply – I am not going to cry for a girl like you.And I know that I will be successful, even without your wishes.
Maybeshe will reply that..
Shedidn't.
Oneday passed peacefully. The nights and midnights were the hardest tokeep my mind away from crying. I found an easy solution – to sleepas soon as possible.
Itwas now the time to analyze my charge-sheet and have a look at what Ihad lost. The thing which I hurt me the most is that I had lost afriend whom I could share all the feeling with.
Lastthree years, there were only rare stories that I haven't told her. Ilost that person.
AsI thought deeper, I found the reasons of our breakup. She alwayswanted a person who was good looking and could dress up well, was ahunk, had a tattoo in his arms etc things that only immature girlthink when at teens. I knew I look good, but regarding dress and moretrival thing, I had more serious things to worry apart from them.
Myhopeful heart had other stories to tell. It wanted her back, Ididn't. It stroked a deal, if she calls me today by 12 night, she isgoing to come back to me.
Maybe something like telepathy is really there. She actually did called,only to ask me if I was good. She expects so. Wow.
Theseraised more false hopes that I do not want to live with. I don't wanther in my life anymore.
Irealized – her voice, her SMS, that I could die for one day, aremaking me weak. I made it clear to her that I don't want any contactfrom her before three months. I don't want false expectations toarise in my mind at this stage.
Whatsnext? I have great things to have fun and keep me busy. First of allthere is Puja. Then a vacation to south, and to sea, the thing I loveto go to. Then there are damn interesting subjects to keep me busy –like Visual Basic, Gambas and Linux.
Itwill pass. Time will heal me, I know that. Only if she doesn't callsme again and I keep my mind busy enough so that I don't feel lonely.
Iam a human being after all. I have already made a checklist of mynext girl. First of all she must a techie, to feel the passion I havefor it. Second she must be matured and intelligent enough to judge aperson not based on looks. And third she must be my good friend.
Iknow that girls of this age are not that matured. So I am expectingmy next relationship after graduation. But I am keeping options open.May be I will find her in college, or the institute I want to takeadmissions for the crash course, or may be in the train from Chennai.
Evenafter all this, life continues to show you dreams..
PS:I was literally crying before writing this, but now, I am perfectlyokay, positive and happy. That's what the power of writing your mindout is.
Liked it? Please consider +1 it below.
Find great Linux & programming tutorials for beginners and experts, java mobile applications and games, wallpapers, jokes, SMS and other entertainment stuff. Subscribe to our RSS Feeds and Like Us in Facebook. Also you can leave a comment below.
0 comments:
Post a Comment